Focus on the Family Community: Relationships and Marriage: when ...

I am reaching out here because I'm just not sure where else to turn. I can't have these conversations with my friends anymore.. they are so "over" it. I can't afford to see a counselor right now (WHY is counseling so expensive??), I am sort of new to an area and we haven't found a church yet - but I am just in desperate need of some advice or guidance, something.

?

I have been married for almost 12 years. The first year of our marriage was our best, though it quickly became evident that I had not married the man I thought I had. His selfishness and insensitivity quickly surfaced after we were in the bonds of marriage.. and he even admitted to me in our first year that he thought he could treat me any way he wanted because we were now married. A decade and three kids later (2 of them "special needs").. it has been a rollercoaster of good times and bad times, but way more bad times than good. I have tried to love "even when I hate him", hang in there, constantly work for the best. But I sit here as a very, very broken woman in my late 30s...depressed, overweight, and can't seem to get a handle on any situation in life anymore. This is a far cry from the woman I was 12 years ago.. the fit runner who was joyful and was often made fun of for being so happy and optimistic. This relationship has taken such a toll on me.. and all of my efforts to improve myself (weight loss, counseling, mind over matter, having a career, throwing myself into my kids, etc.) have fallen flat.

?

Through all that, I have tried everything I know how to work on my marriage.. but it has been like beating a brick wall. He "gets it" sometimes, and things get better for a short time, but then they always go back to where they were, and sometimes worse. What is the problem? He is emotionally abusive, and emotionally distant. He puts his needs before mine, constantly. He has anger issues, along with hereditary mental illness.. severe anxiety and depression. (I could write a whole other post on being the spouse of a mentally ill husband). He constantly makes promises he doesn't keep. His is lazy, to an extreme level. He procrastinates everything.. which has led to some poor financial decisions that has left us in a terrible financial bind (most of it he hid from me until I had to know). The financial strain in our marriage/family is overwhelming. But again, despite all efforts to fix that and make it better.. it only gets worse. And then there is the matter of our faith in God. Mine is deep, and life-consuming. His is merely belief. He fights the Lord in his life on a daily basis. So much of the time, I feel completely unequally yoked.

?

We have "tried", over the years, to make things better. We even moved to a whole new area about a year ago to give us a fresh start and help us try to bond with one another. What I've discovered is that I barely have a friend, let alone a husband. I am reaching a very sad, desperate end...

?

Now.. let me rule out a few of the things I've heard over the years:

Does he have and keep and job? Yes.

Is he an alcolholic? No.

Is he addicted to pornography? No. (at least not to my extensive knowledge)

Has he cheated on me? No. (not to my knowledge)

Is he present in the home? Yes. (at least physically)

Is he a good father. Yes. (good enough)

Does he love you? He says he does, he says I am his world. (but they are only words, no action backs that up)

?

..so it's really not "that bad", right?

?

Well, it is. And I am circumstancially depressed to a very deep level.. I'm about to beg my doctor to put me on a high-dose of antidepressants just so I won't emotionally feel anything anymore. And that seems to be the only way I can even fathom functioning "for the rest of my life".

?

What do I do? Do I keep giving him chance after chance? (Proverbs says "hope deferred makes the heart sick"). Do I go on living like this? If I have to leave him... oh, there is so much to figure out? And I don't want to take my kids away from their father. Not to mention, I have lupus.. what if something happens and I can't care for my kids as a single mother?

?

I do realize I am not perfect, and have never ever claimed to be. I have so many faults it would take me a week to list them. But I am constantly trying to work on my issues, and make myself a better person. I want to be self-aware and not continue to live in such a way that is detremental to myself and those around me. But it's almost as if he has NO concept of what any of that means.

?

I know these details are scarce.. there are so many details over these 12 years it is impossible to share them all. I guess I just need a sounding board to know if I need to stay in this fight or if I'm fighting a sure-lose battle here. I do believe that everyone is capable of change for the better.. but in this case, I am really questioning that.

dick clark dies ibogaine jamie moyer bone cancer hossa the cell dickclark